With the exception of maybe Neil Pert, drummers are utterly replaceable. They sit at the back of the stage and are rarely noticed, which is probably why about every year or so we hear about how some kid lost an eye because they weren’t paying attention when some jackass drummer wings his sticks into the crowd like V for Vendetta laying a couple of flying knives into the chancellor’s fingermen. To replace a drummer all you have to do is find someone else who can count to four, which means half of the current executive branch could have replaced David Buckner, the ex-drummer of Papa Roach. But Buckner disagrees saying that he is such an integral part of the band that they should be forced to disband after kicking him out, and that exactly what he is suing to make happen. The band fired Buckner about a year ago for whatever reason the saw fit, probably drugs. Now Buckner is suing to recoup hundreds of thousands of dollars to which he says he’s entitled and for the band to be legally split. His argument, at least as far as the break-up goes, is that he was a founding member of the band along with Jacoby Shaddix. This argument is, of course, crap as Roger Waters of Pink Floyd can attest. Buckner may have an argument for the money since he was the drummer on the past two records which both still sell quite well. Buckner claims that his former bandmates are crapping away all the money he is owed on their current tour, with all the drugs and skanks that implies, stating in a press release that the current members of Papa Roach are “acting like rich rock stars on some ego trip.”
Ok, there are certain things that can simply be assumed without further investigation. For instance, if George W. Bush touches something it will be smeared with fecal matter and engulfed in flames within minutes. Doesn’t matter what it is. The White House has a basement full of new racecar beds to replace the crap-smeared and blazing pile of painted particle board that the president wakes up in every morning. We can also assume that if you have posted it to the internet, it has been fapped to at least once, no matter what it is. That crappy couch you posted in the free category on Craig’s List? Fapped. The video of your kitty batting around a pine cone in your living room? Fapped. The Power Point video you put together of your mom to play at her funeral. So fapped. By me.
Well, another one to add to the list of assumed truisms is that the lead singer of Slipknot would hate Coldplay’s latest record. Of course he does. And even if he didn’t, it’s not like he’d ever say otherwise in an interview. Slipknot fans threw a hissy-fit of righteous indignation when the band, famous for making records that sounded like they were produced in a cement mixer, decided they’d try to actually succeed a bit and use a real producer like Rick Rubin. The skies would be thick with the putrid smoke of a thousands of black cotton Slipknot t-shirt being burned if he actually claimed to like Coldplay.
But thankfully that didn’t happen. Corey, living up to expectations, said Coldplay’s new record was “music to wipe your ass to.” Quote, “That is one of the most self-celebratory pieces of s*** I’ve ever f***ing heard in my entire f***ing life. Go suck a f***ing d***. Are you watching Martin? Suck it. Go eat a bag of s***. I f***ing hate that album. It’s music to wipe your ass to.”
Remember a couple of years ago when the news leaked that Zombie would be remaking Halloween? Everyone was, as it turns out, rightfully skeptical but was willing to give the man the benefit of the doubt considering House of 1000 Corpses was sufficiently creepy and dirty and it wasn’t that much of a stretch to imagine the unstoppable killing machine that is Mike Myers living in the Zombie world. Then it was later revealed that Rob would be reimagining along with remaking Halloween and horror fans everywhere collectively shouted profanities at their computer upon reading the news. But still some were willing to see it through, hope for the best and see Zombie’s Halloween in theaters. Those people either died after beating themselves in the head for being so stupid or simply slipped into comas from shear boredom. And we all learned our lesson once and for all, the end… right? Right?!? NO!
It has been confirmed that Rob Zombie is working on a sequel the his reimagining of Halloween. Variety reports that Zombie will write and direct H2, due out in October. This one will apparently pick up right where the last one left off, which seems like an odd choice since most people who watched it in theaters fell asleep before the end of the first one and anyone who rented it ejected it about half way through, put it in a plastic bag and used it to beat their video store clerk into a coma.
The rumor keep circulating about the possibility of a reunited Guns N Roses. It makes sense since there’s a new GNR record that needs some help in the sales department and most of the original band is sitting on their thumbs right now while they try to find a new lead singer for Velvet Revolver. Why wouldn’t they get the band back together? Well, because they’re all self-important douche-nozzles. But that’s beside the point. However, GNR’s manager would love it if everyone would please quit wishing for it to happen, and more so that people like myself would quit reporting on the possibility of it happening. He says, “There are no plans of a reunion, nor have there been any discussions of a reunion, with former Guns N’ Roses band members. In the future, we hope that if media have any questions concerning GN’R, they’d at least check their facts before running inaccurate stories for their own benefit”.
Meanwhile, Axl posted over on a message board that he would be willing to reunite with his old band if it was for a good charitable cause.
The definition of irony is: “a literary or rhetorical device, in which there is an incongruity or discordance between what a speaker or a writer says; and what he or she means, or is generally understood.” Irony is misunderstood, and more often misidentified. For instance, Alanis Morrisette’s “Ironic.” If some poindexter at Yale’s English department hadn’t thrown a hissy after that song hit number one back in the 90’s, most people would never have known that Alanis has no concept of what irony actually is, which is pretty ironic, don’tcha think? And while that may work as an example of irony, I give you a better, more salacious example: one with a whore-on-harpy cat-fight with requisite hair-pulling and face-slapping. Sharon Osbourne, host of a show called Rock of Love: CHARM SCHOOL in which she teaches Rock of Love cast offs how to be less the white-trash whore that they are, flew into a rage and attacked a cast member Springer-style after she insulted Ozzy. The LAPD is investigating after Megan Hauserman, AKA “third whore from the left with 5 pounds of rubber cement in Zip-Locs sewed into her chest,” responded to a crack from Sharon by saying that Sharon is only famous for managing a brain-dead rockstar. Despite the accuracy of the statement, Sharon flew into a rage and attacked the plasticine whorelette like a rabid wolverine, pulling her hair and scratching her with her talons until security separated them. Megan went to the hospital, then filed a report with the cops. Ozzy made a statement to the press, which his jiggled down the inside of his trousers and left steaming on the floor. And sure, you’re a master of the air guitar when it comes to Pearl Jam’s “Ten.” Hell, you’ve had almost 20 years to perfect it. But can you still rock with a hunk of plastic with multi-colored buttons on it? Well, you’ll soon be able to find out when Rock Band offers up Ten, for download in the Rock Band Music store. The band is reissuing the album in March, to be remastered by Brendan O’Brien. You can already get the track “Alive” on the Rock Band 2 game disc, but after the album’s re-issue you’ll be able to play all 12 original tracks.
More than anything, the internet has become the place for information. In a bar, if there is an argument, a debate, a war of words if you will, no longer do people turn to the learned, gray-haired gentleman in the corner sipping a scotch, neat and pontificating on the collected works of Tolstoy, due in part to the fact that the senile old bastard claims that Charlton Heston won the battle of Gettysburg by defecating swarms of winged, flesh-eating sea monkeys, but also because the internet doesn’t spit or smell like dust and urine. Yes the internet is the great equalizer. If you have ever needed a definitive answer about anything, the internet will provide it. And what more trusted name than Google? People trust Google. Google doesn’t lie. It is just a dispassionate search engine providing you millions of pages of pornography in a fraction of a second. So, it is fair to say that if a question or topic is posed to Google that it will objectively provide you the information that you seek. Like, say for instance, if you were wondering what the worst band in the world is you could type “worst band in the world” into the search field at Google.com and have it return 495 thousand results along with the suggested alternate search, “Creed.”
Yes, if you type “worst band in the world” in over at Google it will suggest that maybe you could refine your search a little simply by typing in “Creed.” And while the senile old man at the bar could have even told you that, at least you didn’t get spit on in the process.
Hopefully you caught Nine Inch Nails at the Rose Garden on Sunday because it’s going to be a while before they come through Portland again. Apparently
Trent has some thinking to do, specifically about his stage show. He says the band would stop touring until he could come up with a “different approach” to playing live.
“This was an amazing tour and production - certainly the best thing I’ve ever been involved with and likely the final tour for Nine Inch Nails on this scale.”
As anyone who went to the show will tell you, 1) while it certainly was amazing visually, it’s essentially the same schtick he’s been touring on since Downward Spiral with the projected images on the scrim and all, and 2) that particular schtick isn’t exactly packing houses anymore. Several people reported back to me that the Rose Garden was pretty damn spotty in places as far as filled seats go. And while the stage show specifically may not be to blame for the low attendance, I’m sure the 50 dollar tickets were, which were no doubt do in part to all those extra production costs.
Regardless, we won’t be seeing Trent with the full on arena tour for a while. Good news is that may mean we get to see
Trent some place smaller like the Schnitz or the Roseland.
And finally, we may have a new contender for the most epic video ever made. Yes, Thriller has zombies and Intergalactic has Aliens and robots and Livin in America has Soviets, but only one video has them all! Metallica’s new video for “All Nightmare Long” which you can find over at KUFO.com is 10 minutes of Russians, zombies, aliens and robots.
I find the best way to deal with being caught full on robbing someone blind is to knock something over, maybe punch the nearest toddler in the sternum, and haul ass. Because most people will stop at least for a couple of seconds to tend to an injured and crying child, thus giving you an even larger lead. But in the absence of children and valuables to wreck, it’s usually best to keep you mouth shut. Literally. Don’t even gesture. No matter what they say, what they accuse you of, you look at them with all the passion of a dairy cow at the DMV. That way they can scream and shout and bluster themselves into a lather while you look calm, cool and collected. In short, you look like innocent while they appear to be insane.
Well, Coldplay has already broken rule number one of robbing someone blind. They talked. You may have heard the hullabaloo. Last week it was revealed that the latest Coldplay hit “Viva la Vida” appears to be flat lifted from Joe Satriani’s “If I Could Fly.”
COLDPLAY has issued the following statement:
“With the greatest possible respect to Joe Satriani, we have now unfortunately found it necessary to respond publicly to his allegations. If there are any similarities between our two pieces of music, they are entirely coincidental, and just as surprising to us as to him. Joe Satriani is a great musician, but he did not write the song ‘Viva La Vida’. We respectfully ask him to accept our assurances of this and wish him well with all future endeavours.”
Here’s a list you’ll probably be hearing on the Carolla show tomorrow. I know Adam loves to tee off on the Spike TV lists and this one should cause a fair amount of bile and vitriol. The Top 7 Worst Guitar Solos of All Time
7. Oasis “Champagne Supernova”
6. Nirvana “Smells Like Teen Spirit”
5. Twisted Sister “We’re Not Gonna Take It”
4. Lil Wayne “Leather So Soft”
3. Lenny Kravitz “American Woman”
2. The Misfits “We Are 138″
1. Fred Durst Live Guitar Solo