March 17, 2009
Right around the time of Elvis rockstars discovered that being controversial often brought with it a fair amount of fame. Elvis mesmerized the country’s teenage girls with the gyrations of his junk, like a reverse snake charming where the snake was trying to dance its way out of a pair of too tight shark skin pants. John Lennon announced the Beatles were bigger than Jesus and, thanks to the controversy, if they weren’t before the comment, they certainly were after. And it only blossomed from there, with the blooms on the proverbial scandal-flowers coming in the shapes of mudsharks and headless bats and Janet Jackson’s flabby boob. So, why not compile a list of the most controversial people in rock? Got plenty to chose from. So that’s what the folks over at the British website Orange.co.uk did, or at least that’s what they attempted to do considering they screwed it up so royally.
According to their survey, the most controversial rockstar of all time is Sid Vicious. Sid, the man who could barely stand without the aid of his leech girlfriend propped up under his arm due to all the heroin sludging its way through his veins. Sid, the guy who, when he was sober enough to actually hold his bass, was never competent enough to play it. Sid, who dozed through the murder of Nancy Spungen but still managed to get charged. And sure, there is certainly some controversy surrounding Sid. But one needs to question whether he is actually number 1.
2. Ozzy Osbourne
3. Keith Richards
4. Amy Winehouse
5. Michael Jackson
6. Marilyn Manson
7. Pete Doherty
8. Britney Spears
9. Courtney Love
10. Madonna
Can somebody tell me why G.G. Allen isn’t on here? The guy crapped on stage on the regular. I won’t tell you what he did with it afterwards. So I don’t care how many times Amy Winehouse flopped a scary boob out in front of the paparazzi how many birds Ozzy has beheaded or how much of his face Michael Jackson has had sanded off, G.G. deserves a spot on this list.
I think there is one thing that we can all agree on. There is nothing pathetic in the least about geriatric rock stars. There’s nothing at all difficult to watch in regards to men in their 50s who insist on wearing too-tight leather pants and studded wrist bands. There’s embarrassing about seeing dudes who should be collecting social security trying to spryly dance around the stage like their 30-year-younger counterparts and failing miserably, eventually collapsing in a heap of heavy breathing and high blood pressure.
I think we’re all on the same page here, right? Good.
In a completely unrelated note, Iron Maiden have abandoned plans to quit after their next album, insisting they’ll keep rocking well into old age. It was just last year that bassist Steve Harris was saying that after the next record they would be done forever. Well, now guitarist Adrian Smith says, “We’ll carry on. The great thing is that there’s clearly a huge audience out there waiting to hear what we’re going to do right now; and in the real world that’s not a very common situation so you have to appreciate it.”
In another note, related in no way to the previous story, soon to be hitting a stage near you, old men’s flappy underarm skin wagging like a flag made of meat in a hurricane as they pump their fists in the air to their new de-balled single that the fans patiently sit through while they wait to hear a hit from the 80s.