Want to avoid unsightly and irritating mosquito bites this year? Want to chase away those disgusting swarms of gnats that always seem to gather just outside your house so that when you walk out the door you have to pass though their buggy black cloud, invariably getting a bug or two in the mouth or up your nose or in your eyes? Want to disperse all matter of blood sucking, house eating and crop destroying creature? Well I have your answer. Old people. Think about it. How many times have you seen old people covered in chiggers? How many times have you been walking down the street only to see some old granny gobbled up by a giant cockroach? How many times have you personally witnessed anyone over the age of 90 carried away by swarms of blood thirsty dragon flies? Hm? Never! And that’s why the citizens of the small town of Tuscarora Nevada have turned to geriatrics to save their crops. Every year, crickets lay their eggs in Tuscarora and when those eggs hatch the town is overrun with the insects, which go on to invade homes, destroy crops and create havoc. Poison doesn’t work, the Colonial Marines were sent in and were all wiped out, save for a female freighter pilot and a little girl who mostly only goes out at night, mostly. And that’s when the good people of Tuscarora dragged the old Victrolas out on the porch and started blasting the only thing they knew would scare away the bugs. Old people. Specifically the Rolling Stones and Led Zeppelin. And apparently it worked.

According to Discover magazine, the loud music somehow stops the bugs from getting down and getting to some serious exoskelletal groping. It probably works in much the same way as Department stores playing Barry Manilow from their exterior speakers near their entries to keep roving bands of young toughs looking for a place to smoke and throw dice away. All that oldness shorts out the hoodlums’ badassitude.

So my modest proposal is this: lets grind up old people and use them as insect repellant. All they’re doing is sitting around shedding skin flakes into their recliners, stuffing their faces with Nutter Butters and emitting a stink of pee and dust. So lets take these drains on society, crush them in to dust piles, stuff them into aerosol cans and use them to deal with this bug problem once and for all. And any old-people dust we have left over we can use it to clean up vomit in grade schools. I don’t have any real reason. I just think their dusty bones would be absorbant.  

Nothing makes me happier than when rockstars with a very specific schtick get sick of that schtick and start branching out with side projects that sound NOTHING like the band they’re famous for. The look of betrayal and disappointment when the fans clamor and claw their way into a venue to see their hero live to see if he’ll work a couple of hits into the set only to discover that he has so denied his other persona that he starts covering songs that you may actively despise. It’s so delicious. Take for example Corey Taylor and the Junk Beer Kidnap Band. This is Corey’s second side project. Stone Sour was definitely different from Slipknot, but close enough that the black t-shirt crowd could still get into it. But Corey Taylor and the Junk Beer Kidnap Band is nothing like Slipknot and to put a gigantic line under that fact by covering Prince’s “Let’s Go Crazy,” and actually does a decent job in a bar band sort of way. 

Hey, do you remember that big Kings of

Tickets purchased via credit card by phone, internet or box office will be refunded automatically.Tickets purchased at outlets or cash purchases at the box office will be refunded at point of purchase. 

And there are those folks who call us up to complain when we play anything sub speed metal. Unless we’re pumping music that you could use to strip paint from your house siding, they aren’t happy. To these people, the musical spectrum starts with 300 kick drum beats per minute. Acoustic guitars are only used as ash trays and possibly to prop up your electric guitar. These are the people that have literally followed the rock radio cliché of turning up the stereo and ripping the knob off, which is actually quite a feat considering their concrete-scarred knuckles leave their fingers with relatively low dexterity so actually clamping down on the knob in the first place takes some effort and a considerable amount of brain power. Well to you fine folks I have good news. Slayer and Megadeth are rolling through

And so long as we’re talking metal, Dio, Tony Iommi, Geezer Butler, and Vinny have written and recorded a new Heaven and Hell record.

The Devil You Know, featuring 10 from the Dio-fronted version of Black Sabbath. The highly anticipated set arrives on April 28 from Rhino. 

People. Mosh pits are for dancing and dancing only. It is the angry white boy equivalent to line dancing. Rock out, slam into some other sweaty, angry white boys and go home. OK? Mosh pits are not your personal pent up rage relief system, they’re not your big opportunity to get a free boob grope on a girl being passed overhead and they certainly aren’t the place for you to squat out a grumpy. But for some reason that last one is exactly what happened at a recent Papa Roach show in

“About halfway through PAPA ROACH’s set, everybody started commenting on how bad the smell was. I guess it was like someone had farted or something, but it was MUCH worse. All of a sudden, there was a massive gap in the crowd and my friend told me that someone had actually done a s—! I turned around and saw this guy with cleaning materials wiping it up!!!”

The pooper was never caught so the exact reason for the dumpage was never discovered, whether it was from exuberance at seeing Jacoby Shaddix live or protest for the band not playing Last Resort fast enough or was an effort to start a new trend since it was the Brits that started that whole gobbing thing where they’d spit on a band out of appreciation. Also no word if the fecal offender dropped trou to accomplish the deed or if he was just wearing loose pants that he allowed the doodie to rattle down.

No matter the delivery system or the reason, allow me to say this. No. And allow me to follow that with, “stop it.” 

It was just announced that Pearl Jam is sponsoring the Great Turtle Race along with REM. Now when I first read that headline I though to myself, what a great idea! Get some cattle prod and bull whips and head down to the

Do you know someone with an iPhone? Not sure? Well, has anyone run up to you recently saying, “Dude! Dude! Look what I can do with my phone!” And then there’s a series of flatulent noises followed by some light saber sound effects? You look at them and say, “Why would I want my phone to fart? And while I’m at it, if anyone comes at me with a real light saber, or even one of those plastic flash lights set up to make light saber sound effects and all I have is a farting phone that thinks it’s battling the Dark Side, I’m going to get my ass kicked.” If this sounds like a conversation you’ve had in the last year, you know someone with an iPhone. Well get ready to have that jackass run up to you again here in the next couple of days with an all new app to show off. Nine Inch Nails have finally launched their new iPhone app. Trent Reznor made the announcement via his Twitter page saying, “I’ve sat for the last 20 minutes watching the globe spin around at Access.NIN.com with a stupid grin on my face.” It’s basically an application that uses Google Earth and something Twitter-esque that allows you to locate and chat with other NIN fans. When you log on it shows you a globe with points on it. If you’re in auto mode it globe spins around to show you the location of the latest poster. With each post the globe rotates. Or you can go manual style and move the globe yourself. When you click on one of those points it shows you user info and their latest post and shows their exact location. You can zoom into to street level.  

Reason number 300 million why there will never be a Guns N Roses reunion. Everybody in the original lineup has their own band, each one more successful than Axl’s current GNR lineup. Slash is the latest with a solo project. Sure he had Slash’s Snakepit a long time ago but this album doesn’t appear to be a Snakepit album. He’s got Josh Freese from Nine Inch Nails and Chris Chaney from Jane’s Addiction in this band and a rotating list of singers. They haven’t announce who exactly is singing on the record but considering that Slash is scheduled to play the Quart Fest in Norway this summer with Ozzy, I would imagine that he’s going to be one of them. Slash posted on his Myspace that “We’ve nailed four tracks with four amazing vocals so far… so things are going extremely well.”  No word on exactly when that record will come out but Slash also predicted in an earlier post that Velvet Revolver will announce their new lead singer before this solo project his shelves.

In this day and age everyone is looking to save a buck. And today, especially for tax day, I intend to help you do exactly that. Don’t let this crappy economy keep you from owning a digital collection of music that you illegally downloaded over ten years ago! That’s right, after much deliberating, alienating, infuriating and eventually capitulating Metallica has finally agreed to release their music for download via iTunes. That, of course, is old news. What’s not is that starting today you can download the Metallica collection. All of Metallica’s albums downloaded with a single mouse click (followed by a username and password entry, a click to verify that you didn’t read and don’t care about the licensing agreement and then another to once again tell iTunes that you don’t want to download Safari because it’s a 400 meg file that will stop your computer dead for at least 12 hours.) And, because Metallica cares, they are offering up this collection for $99.99. That’s right, only $99.99 for music that you’ve already owned for decades. But wait, there’s more! You remember how I said I was going to save you a buck because of these hard economic times? Well, for a limited time iTunes has radically dropped the price of the Metallica Collection! Not five percent, not 20 percent, not even 50 percent! No, for this limited offer, you can purchase the Metallica Collection over at iTunes for 1 percent off the regular price. That’s right! $99 dollars even! But you’re saying, “Hey Cort, You’re a filthy f-ing liar because you said you were going to save me a buck and all you did was tell me how iTunes took 99 cents off the price of some crap that I already own.” Well, to you good sir, I say if you download the Metallica Collection at iTunes I will gladly come over to your house with a penny and a belt sander and launch that legal tender through your skull like a bullet through butter making it an even buck! And then I’m going to have my way with your wife! So act now to receive this special offer!

Another quick update on Rob Zombie’s H2. Zombie put the call out over on his Myspace for fan questions of which he’d pick the ten best and answer. He writes: “Although you’ve asked over 500 questions, many of them are the same questions over and over. So here’s the answer to the first question that keeps getting asked.

“Is this movie a remake of ‘Halloween 2′?

“The answer is no. This movie has nothing to do with the movie that came out back in 1981. The only thing slightly the same is my film has a brief hospital scene at the top of the film and even that is 100% different. These are all new characters and all new situations. This is not a remake of a sequel, this is the continuing story of the ‘Halloween’ I started. So hopefully that clears up that confusion.”

He then included a still of Mike Myers rocking the mask a apparently punching someone to death. The other bit of news that I got from this story is that Zombie’s manager and producer, Andy Gould, told ShockTillYouDrop.com that his next feature film will be his “Tyrannosaurus Rex”.

Reason number 300 million why there will never be a Guns N Roses reunion. Everybody in the original lineup has their own band, each one more successful than Axl’s current GNR lineup. Slash is the latest with a solo project. Sure he had Slash’s Snakepit a long time ago but this album doesn’t appear to be a Snakepit album. He’s got Josh Freese from Nine Inch Nails and Chris Chaney from Jane’s Addiction in this band and a rotating list of singers. They haven’t announce who exactly is singing on the record but considering that Slash is scheduled to play the Quart Fest in Norway this summer with Ozzy, I would imagine that he’s going to be one of them. Slash posted on his Myspace that “We’ve nailed four tracks with four amazing vocals so far… so things are going extremely well.”  No word on exactly when that record will come out but Slash also predicted in an earlier post that Velvet Revolver will announce their new lead singer before this solo project his shelves.