Phil Spector Likely To Die In Pound-Me Prison 

As expected, Nick Cage truly the only person who can pull off the “My hair is a bird, your argument is invalid” defense. Ill-advisedly, Phil Spector tried to fashion his own hair into some sort of large flamingo or maybe a malformed ostrich near the beginning of the trial so that when the prosecution was done presenting their case Phil could amble up to the podium and announce to the court, “My hair is a bird, your argument is invalid.” The then imagined that after a careful inspection of the flamingoesque plumage on his head, the judge would concur, excuse the jury and declare him innocent of all charges. However, in reality after Mr. Spector made his statement, the prosecutor objected and called surprise witness Nicolas cage who took the stand and upon brief inspection of Spector’s hair announced that, in his expert opinion, indeed it was Phil Spector’s argument that was invalid. Mr. Cage was excused, but before leaving the courtroom he mounted a unicycle and punched and karate chopped every woman over the age of 50 in the throat and orgasmicly screamed lines of Shakespeare in the voice of Jabberjaw into the spinning blades of an oscillating fan. As a result of Mr. Cage’s crushing testimony Phil Spector was found guilty of second degree murder and just today was sentenced 19 years to life for the murder of Lana Clarkson. Phil Spector is 69, so unless they get the ruling overturned on appeal he will likely die in prison.    

Forget That Black Sabbath

And if you missed one of the many Sabbath reunion shows over the past decade and were counting on Ozzy to get back together with his former bandmates one last time, forget it. For a variety of reasons, the least of which not being that Ozzy hasn’t been able to do much more than stand in front of the mic and spasm since about 1989. But aside from that, the whole suing your former bandmates AGAIN isn’t going to help. I was under the impression that Ozzy controlled the Black Sabbath name because he forced the old crew to go with the name Heaven and Hell for their reunion with Ronnie James Dio, but apparently Tony Iommi is the one who owns the name. At least for now. That’s because Ozzy is suing for 50% control of the name. He (and by “he” I mean

The suit also charges that Osbourne’s “signature lead vocals” are largely responsible for the band’s “extraordinary success,” noting that its popularity plummeted during his absence from 1980 through 1996.

Courtney Love Caused 9/11, But Saved The Economy 

I have very good news. The economy is on the upswing. Now, most pundits use indicators like mortgage foreclosures, the interest rate, tea leaves, blind folds and dart boards or rubber gloves and whatever random fact they can dislodge from their anus in order to make predictions on the recovery of the economy, but not me. I have one sure-fire, 100% accurate touchstone when it comes to whether things are about to get better or worse. Courtney Love. Now, we all know that Courtney Love caused 9/11. That’s just a given. And if you don’t believe me just check the podcast archives over at CortandFatboy.com. And once you do, then give us a call and remind me because I can’t honestly remember the reason why we came to that conclusion, but I do know the evidence is irrefutable. And if you lay the pattern of world events over a graph of the high points and low points of Courtney’s life you will find that there is an inverse relationship. The better Courtney’s life gets, the cleaner and more coherent she is, the worse off the rest of the world is. The deeper into the gutter and the bigger the trainwreck she is the better the world at large is. And it’s because of that I know we are about to creep our way out of this recession. That’s because Courtney is being about as Courtney as she possibly can. American Express has filed suit against her over $350,000 in unpaid charges. Love had her credit suspended after she “failed and refused” to clear the balance. Now I can almost guarantee that Courtney is going to try to blame this on either Ryan Adams, the indy rock dude she dated for a while and who she claims stole her identity to open credit lines, or on the her accountants who she accused of stealing millions of dollars from her. Stay tuned!

Sammy Just Wants To Be Taken Seriously. Chickenfoot. That’s Serious.  

Sammy Hagar is tired of being a joke. He’s tired of not being taken seriously. He has important things to say and all people want from him is to scream something about tequila and drink until his moony face is red and veiny and to eventually void his bowels on stage and pass out in a puddle of his own sick. Sammy wanted to grow. To no longer be known as the party guy. The aged, pudgey, poodle-haired, south-of-the-border Duff Man for the AARP set. And that’s why he formed the band Chickenfoot. So people would stop making fun of him.

He said he got tired of doing the tequila-friendly party shows so he brought together Michael Anthony, Joe Satriani and Red Hot Chili Peppers drummer Chad Smith. and created Chickenfoot to better himself as a musician.  He says, “I don’t think I could have written a record this good by myself in 100 years.” Fans can hear that when the self-titled effort hits shelves on June 9th.  Learn more at Chickenfoot.us. 

Trent Reznor Tries for Sainthood 

Rockstars: give up. You lose. You’re lifelong struggle to be considered the coolest person in the room has finally come to a tragic and disappointing end. As that nagging little voice in the back of your head has told you since puberty, you will never be the coolest, you will never be the best, you will never be good enough. That is unless your name happens to be Trenticus Bartholomew Cornelius Maxmillian Reznorinsky, better known by his stage name as Trent Reznor. And before you go accusing me of being one of those heavily made up, black-clad Nine Inch Nails sycophants, know this. I’m wearing blue jeans, a green t-shirt, a grey checkered buttoned up shirt and a baseball cap today. If any self-respecting NIN sycophant was to wake up wearing what I’m wearing they would scream until their vocal chords shredded hoping to be jarred out of the horrible nightmare in which they found themselves. I dig

You Can Bring KISS to Portland, If That’s Your Thing 

People always call us and bitch when a band skips

Nirvana Memorabilia  

Are you looking for a piece of rock and roll history? Do you need to own every little piece of minutia tangentially connected to you favorite singer? Are the songs and occasional Rolling Stone pictorals not enough for you, driving you to insane extremes in order to make you feel some one-sided connection to the biggest names in rock? Are you such a jealous little person that you’d happily pay thousands of dollars for a scrap of paper that, if it were anyone else’s on the planet, you wouldn’t even take the effort to shove it into the nearest garbage can? Do you want to own

Seller’s Description: You are looking at a piece of Rock n’ Roll history! This is an original one of a kind item. NOT A COPY. A fully authentic hospital bill that is addressed to Kurt Cobain. The letter is in excellent condition and has been professionally framed with the prepaid envelope. Kurt’s name and address are on the letter, as well as his account number and other info.

So, outside of anyone who may be looking to steal Kurt’s zombie identity and shuffle it around to a few credit card companies to see if any of them are dumb enough to open a line of credit for a 15-years-dead rockstar corpse, who is really going to want this? It doesn’t have Kurt’s signature on it. It’s likely that he never even physically held it. It’s nothing more than a piece of paper with his name printed on it, which you could do at home. So if you really want to dump $2,500 on some crappy piece of rock memorabilia, I will gladly print out Kurt’s name 100 times and then draw a rainbow unicorn at the top. At least that way you’re getting a little something out it. That “it” being a badass unicorn.

Beasties Announce Name of New Record 

And the Beastie Boys were on Jimmy Fallon last night to talk about their new record, the name of which was announced yesterday: Hot Sauce Committee. The band put out a message to fans saying they were going to be on Jimmy Kimmel last night, either out of a hope that saying on the internet would make it true or just some inability to actually type the name Jimmy Fallon with any enthusiasm. Regardless, they were on Fallon’s show, not Kimmel’s, and since, like the other 6 billion people on the planet, you missed it here’s a little of them doing “So Whatcha Want.”

Along with that they announced that the Beasties album is nearly done. As for what it sounds like, Ad Rock told a reporter a couple of months ago, “It’s a lot of vocals, a lot of words — very wordy. And it’s political, depending on what you call political. You know, if toilet talk and fart jokes are political, which they can be, in that sense yeah, very.”

This story is for any of you potential Kip Kinkles out there. Are you frequently bullied and beat up in school? Do kids call you names and shove you into lockers when you pass by? Do you just wish everyone would die a slow painful death as you cackle over their still-smoldering corpses? Well, welcome to high school. Nothing you are experiencing is new, interesting or unique. You are one of millions of kids in school right now getting the snot kicked out of them on a daily basis. And sure, it sucks. Every stroll through the cafeteria is a humiliating kick in the crotch, both figuratively and, occasionally, literally. But this is no reason fish daddy’s pistol out from under his bed and take it to school looking to get your war on. You do what countless generations of dorks, nerds, dweebs, spastics and pen-huffing morons have done before you. You take the daily bludgeonings, graduate at the top of your class, fly the bird during your college valedictorian speech, invent the personal computer and make billions. You don’t exact your revenge with physical violence, you exact your revenge by boning Jessica Biel on top of the hors dourves table at your 20^th high school reunion. And this is why I will once again tell the future Columbiners of America out there to stop it. Thinking about killing yourself and a bunch of classmates imaginging that you’ll go down in history, remembered forever as the guy who finally stood up to that bully Stevie Richards? You won’t. You’ll be remembered as the crazy moron who listened to too much Manson and botched his own suicide. You will likely end up just like this kid in

And on a positive note Mike Patton has yet another project to work on. Not only is he involved with about a dozen bands, one of which being the freshly reunited Faith No More, now Mike will be working with Alan Moore. You may know Alan Moore as the author of comic series’ such as V for Vendetta and Watchmen.