October 19, 2009
Jack White Says Spears More Authentic Than Dylan
If I was a rock star right now, I’d be laying on top of a sweaty pile of all your moms. Just a big, sweaty, naked, sticky writhing pile of moms. And gummy worms. Moms and gummy worms with me lounging at the top of a mom mountain sucking gummy worms into my ever fatter face, but that’s just me. Not all rock stars choose the defiling America’s matriarchs route. Some actually take the whole thing seriously and avoid doing your mom altogether, which just leaves all the more for me. Jack White is one of those serious rock stars, which is especially frustrating because he is one of the few rockers worthy of a fat pile of moms. Widely considered to be the last real rock STAR, Jack White clings to his artistry and ponders the place for his art in the world. And over the weekend he did that pondering out loud while attending a talk at the University Philosophical Society at Ireland’s Trinity College. While receiving an honorary patronage (which I looked up and is not in any way a mom gifted to Jack White to defile at his whim but is instead the highest award the society can give to non-members) Jack White pondered what makes a musician authentic and who should be acknowledged for their authenticity. He says, “I don’t know if Bob Dylan and Tom Waits are as authentic as I think they are. Perhaps they’re not…Sometimes you start thinking that maybe Britney Spears or someone like that who’s doing exactly what they want to do in the way that they best know how, is more authentic than any of those people you could mention.”
Also during his discussion with the Irish Philosophical Society, whose members include everyone in the entire country about 15 minutes before closing time at the pub, Jack told the story again of how when he was working as an upholsterer he would hide a vinyl copy of his old band’s EP inside people’s couches. So if you feel like playing the Jack White lottery, take an axe to your ottoman and if you find a record inside from a band called The Upholsterers, you win!
Someone’s Going To Rehab
Now, Mr. White could take some cues from the guys in Def Leppard. It has long been acknowledged that when terms like “unforeseen personal matters” are used in conjunction with a rock star, that means someone’s going to rehab. And while we don’t know who is getting blasted before shows, we do know that whoever it is just cost Def Leppard the rest of their tour. That’s because the band just cancelled the rest of their US tour “due to unforeseen personal matters.”