October 20, 2009
Kelly Osbourne Naked? It Almost Happened
The only thing worse than a dirty old man is a desperate dirty old man. See, regular dirty old men will shower, turning the over-powering stench of urine and dust into a more palatable odor of wet dog. A desperate dirty old man will avoid showering so as not to miss any potential women’s breasts busting out of their protective tube tops while jogging in front of his house. A dirty old man will make suggestive comments to the 16-year-old girl running the check-out at Safeway. A desperate dirty old man will chase the mail lady down the street with his hand stuffed in his stained, thread bare boxer shorts and a “Beaver Patrol” tank top. Dirty old men are easily dispatched with a crack about their age or their withered balls. Desperate dirty old men are unstoppable, unrelenting masturbating machines who will not stop until they have reached climax with a cops boot on the back of their neck and a couple of taser probes in their scrotum. And it appears that the once beloved Hugh Hefner may be making the transition from dirty old man to desperate dirty old man, which is weird because he wears painted, plasticine and puffed up blonde women like the Red Hot Chili Peppers wear socks, meaning on their penises. So it’s not like he’s not getting any. The dude has an assistant walking behind him at all times with a shotgun full of Viagra and whenever he gets the urge Sanja unloads a couple of rounds of blue pill bird shot into Hef’s ass leaving him strong like bull for the next hour. Yet he’s still making business decisions like a desperate dirty old man. His first was putting semi-nude pictures of Marge Simpson in his magazine (which, as predicted, showed nothing save for one nipple shot. One nipple shot of a middle-aged CARTOON mother of two!)His most recent desperate dirty old man decision was to ask Kelly Osbourne to appear nude in Playboy. The president immediately put the nation on immediate alert and raised the Fat-Con level to Kirsty Alley. Fortunately crisis was averted when Kelly (who fortunately owns a mirror and an internet connection) turned Hef down. Kelly says she was concerned that her father would see the pictures, which is understandable. The realization that daddy’s little girl grew up to look like one of Jabba’s Gamorrean guards and showed he sarlac in the pages of Playboy would certainly drive him to eat all of the heroin. Not just in LA or the U.S., but ALL OF IT.
Bad News For Zombie
Have you ever heard someone say, “Ooo, that’s not a good sign” and wondered, “Gosh, I wonder what makes him say that?” Well, here is an example of “not a good sign” and I will gladly explain to you why it’s not. Rob Zombie’s fourth solo studio album, “Hellbilly Deluxe 2: Noble Jackals, Penny Dreadfuls and the Systematic Dehumanization of Cool”, has been pushed back to “an undetermined 2010 date” from the previously announced November 17. This is bad because that’s a sure sign that it’s crap. If they had a great record to try to sell right before Christmas you can bet your ass they’d sell it.