October 22, 2009
GNR For Babies
If you are about to have a baby, or are thinking about ever having a baby this story is for you. As a father myself I can tell you that no matter how hard you try to make your kid like your music, no matter how many days in a row or at what age you start indoctrinating them with Nine Inch Nails or Motorhead or Nirvana, they will always prefer kid’s music. Trust me. You might trick your kid into liking the Foo Fighters’ “Monkey Wrench” because it has the word “monkey” in it, but if he hears “Banana Phone” coming from another stereo while you’re trying to listen to your music he will barrage you with whining. He will become an unstoppable maelstrom of irritation, a hurricane of annoyance. You can try to reason with him all you want. “But you like this song.” “It’s the one with the monkeys. See right there, he just said ‘monkey.’” “That banana song is for babies and you’re not a baby. You’re a big boy, right?” “Do you want me to set fire to all of your toys?” “I will stop this car and get the tire iron out of the trunk and GIVE you something to whine about if you don’t shut up.” “I will have your mother’s head on a pike in the front yard by sundown. And I will fill her torso with bees so every time you try to hug her still bleeding body you will get sprayed with swarms of killer bees.” None of these time tested attempts to rationally reason with your child will work, so you will save yourself a lot of time and effort, not to mention life in prison, simply by chiseling off another hunk of your soul, swallowing the bile creeping up from your stomach and putting on “Banana Phone.” And the alternate-versions-of-cool-songs method doesn’t really work either because your child will always prefer the child friendly version of the song. Take this latest attempt from the Rockabye Baby company who market products to “youngish parents with hard-rock pasts who don’t want to kill their cool factor with Raffi CDs” They have just released Lullaby Renditions Of Guns N’ Roses, a 12-track album that gives kids Muzak-esque versions of GNR classics. These are instrumental-only so you don’t have to worry about your kid learning about the glory of heroin, whores and hedonism before the ripe old age of 5, however I question the logic here on all fronts. First up, what’s the logic in making your kid a fan of GNR? So that when he turns 6 he can move on to the real versions of the songs like “Used to Love Her” where he can hear that the pleasant melody he’s been humming since he was a toddler was for a song about murdering a woman because she complained to much? And where’s the fun for the adult? Do you think it’s going to be any less annoying hearing “Mr. Brownstone” slowed down 200% and played on a Casio? You may as well just put on “Banana Phone.” And really, if I’ve learned anything in my life either from experience or from the experience of other, it’s that no matter how hard a parent tries to get a kid to do something, the kid will go as hard in the opposite direction as possible.
Breast Cancer For Peter Criss
OK people, I know we’re all fragile flowers, but there is a limit to how much stock you should put into the opinion of others. A certain amount of concern for public perception is healthy because that’s what keeps us all from walking around in grubby Thundercats jammies and Snuggies all day. But when it comes to potentially embarrassing cancer, feel free to eat a big bag of floppy ones. Peter Criss has cancer, but since it’s breast cancer he chose to shut up about it, telling only his wife. He says, “I was petrified. I went into total shock. My wife and I discussed it a lot and we were like, we can’t let anyone know this because the tabloids are vicious.” Ultimately he decided to go public so that he might inspire other men who believe they make have breast cancer to go get it checked out. I say this, I don’t care where you think the cancer is, boobs, ass or sack, go to the doctor. Screw what people think. Besides it’s a lot easier to karate chop those people in the throat when you’re NOT six feet under due to an completely curable, yet untreated tumor.